11 - to be intoxicated by sleep
- is this possible?
- to be intoxicated by
- sleep?
- probably not
- lack of sleep, maybe
- don't say maybe
- by then, back then, it was four in the morning
- you thought there would be a tomorrow?
- it was already tomorrow
- and so
- and so
- you thought there would be a day after tomorrow
- yes
- how thin was the ice?
- at first it didn't seem thin at all
- when you both fell through?
- it seemed like it wasn't there
- and?
- and when we tried to break through again
- because you never
- because you never surface through the same place you fall in.
- and when you tried to break through again
-
- could you see her
- looking up through the ice?
-
June 27, 2009
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9 comments:
this is fiction.
and incomprehensible.
I like the idea of not surrfacing from the smae place you fell in.
I also am writing a story about a murder and so i think I read this in a very diff light than you meant it.
Happy Saturday!
Hi Anon - thank you for your comment. if you want more incomprehennsible content you should read the other 10 threadless needles or watch fox news.
Hi Kay - it's nice to see you here. This is a bit ambiguous isn't it? Is it an accident or is it worse than that? it's why I wrote 'this is fiction' in the comments. So yes, you are right. Falling through the ice here is an attempt at. . . something. This relationship that I've written about in this poem "quiver" and then taking it apart again, this relationship was on very thin ice, that did not seem thin at all at first. But it was all over very fast.
I fell through the ice once - even before your ankles are wet (if falling in feet first) you are trying to fly out of the water. It's so scary, in a really sad way, that when you try to surface you're under the ice and have no real clue as to where you fell in -and because it's winter, your clothes now weigh 12 million pounds.
I am still puzzling over those last two lines - the perspective shift from being in the water to being on the ice looking down, being asked if 'you' saw her still under the ice.
What pictures you offer the reader. Always letting us interpret as our imaginations allow - that's a gift, thanks for using it.
Koe, you are starting to write scary things!!! :(
I don't like falling through ice! Not that I have ever tried to do it, but I am sure it is a horrible thing, especially when someone is looking at you from above! :(
I don't agree with the anonymous comment but I think as a dialogue it could be clearer. For example, the opening three lines, surely only one person says this. The same with the final two lines. That said I like the flow of the piece, two disembodied voices passing comments back and forth. Quite evocative.
Whew! For a second there, I thought someone had really fallen in...Let me just say that I enjoy your fiction and your fact. That's why you're a Superior Scribbler, correctamundo?
BTW, my youngest just launched a photo blog, and I'm shamelessly trolling for traffic. Please visit my site to see what she's got going, and pay her a visit!
Cathy - thank you for the comment. I'm glad you liked the poem. I worry that readers don't have the points of entry into what I write that so many writers have. Someday, I'd like to think I'll be able to write something that it feels like a person could fall into as opposed to having it come at them. I'm going to keep trying. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Charity - it's a scary feeling, right? Falling into the unknown and dangerous. What were they doing on the ice anyway? What was to be gained? There's always someone looking at you from above, even when you're above the ice.
Jim - thank you. Yes it could be clearer. I like the device of two bodies exchanging dialog. I also like one of the bodies finishing the other's thoughts - but I think that what contributes to too much ambiguity. At points as I write these, I can lose track.
Melissa - thank you. It was Charity who nominated me for the superior scribbler. I don't think I fit the bill of superior but I scribble and I try. I visited and commented and follow your daughters photo blog now! Have you started a superior snapper award yet?
Thanks everyone.
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